Forgive and Remember
Dainty, blue forget-me-nots remind me of the precious gift of memory. There will be a time when things this side of heaven will no longer be remembered on the other side, and that will be a gift. But for now, the gift to remember entwined with forgiveness offers the beautiful opportunity to restore and redeem.
By now you know I write story, about story, and encourage each of us to embrace the story that has fallen to our pages. As we begin the process of engaging our stories, there are a few things to consider. Simply put, a story is populated with characters within a setting. There is narrative, plot, and the surprising plot twist.
Let’s talk about characters.
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages. —William Shakespeare
In our stories each of us takes the stage, and others may exist in silence, quietly tiptoe around, or stomp with all their might. The engagement on the stage has so much to do with the combination of characters playing opposite each other. The lines and stage directions come from someplace deep in the soul.
Characters follow a script.
Often we don’t realize the script we are playing to, but sometimes we do. Our interactions with the characters in our stories have beautiful, significant scenes; moments that seem minor and don’t move us much; and the tragically traumatic. Remember when I shared that “the past isn’t dead” here? There’s a script where the words have fallen to the page, and we unknowingly look to it for familiar dialogue and stage direction. But here’s the thing—this is happening for every character we engage in our stories, too. This isn’t an excuse, it’s a piece of wisdom by which we can get our bearings.
Really, the character interactions on the stage have much to do with the players’ command of personal roles on their own stage and the story and dialogue on the pages of their own life scripts.
In some of my stories, I’m the one silently existing, hoping no one notices me. I might be chattering away in wordy monologue. Sometimes I’m the one doing the stomping, if I’m honest. And many of the lines and stage actions are rehashed over decades.
Pardon me, may I be excused?
Remember: the script we all play to isn’t an excuse. The good is reason to celebrate. The evil is to be examined and addressed. There is no pass given excusing harm done.
What does that mean to us—this whole ‘characters interacting while creating and responding to scripts’ thing? Here are thoughts—
Select a scene from the story of your life that includes light conflict (3-4 on a scale to 10 for emotional safety and comfort).
Picture the characters on the stage in the moment (write brief character sketches, if you like).
Outline the scenes events—plot (draft events in a way that is authentic to your memory as you are able).
Include important dialogue (it may be a springboard to exposing familiar scripts that repeat in your stories).
Include important actions (this reveals the details that are etched in memories).
Less vulnerable moments in our stories offer opportunities to practice storytelling. That’s the skill we will need for embracing our stories (particularly the harder, more traumatic moments later in the process). The moments that are less emotional can also be more easily opened than the Pandora’s box of trauma.
I’m conflicted…
Once the scene has been written, then what? That’s when we examine the light conflict in the moment. I begin with simple questions.
Was the conflict initiated by me or the other character?
Do I bear any responsibility at all? (This is the tougher question!)
There are scenes in my story that revealed I had absolutely no bearing on the evil that took place (especially in abuse!). Traumatic moments are reserved for a very special story treatment and process. (Remember: we aren’t selecting a scene that is a 9 or 10 on the scale now.)
Sometimes prayerful examination revealed I initiated, contributed to, or escalated the conflict. Those are not my favorite moments, but they are the ones I am thankful to have opportunity to remember, consider, and begin to heal the relationships with the other characters in my life.
Forgive and remember.
Can you see how this might work? It is only by remembering that we have opportunity to examine our own errs and begin repairs. The remembering offers the chance to see others in our story as (similar to my own experience) playing to a script, too. Without giving a pass to the harm done, we see what it was, name it, and begin the process of “err and repair” that is so necessary to our emotional and relational healing!
What if, instead of forgiving and trying to forget, we began to forgive and remember... (credit: Dr. Dan Allender/Adam Young).