Writing Your Story: Hello, Safety in Community!
Hello, writerly friend! It’s nice to see you.
Last time we said goodbye to a hurdle that gets in the way of our writing: insecurity. It’s the 2-ton elephant that brings big feelings to the writing process and threatens to trample our emotions and leave them behind, squished and paper-thin.
Insecurity says, “You’re pretty bold sharing that story right there. Don’t get your hopes up; it’s not that easy to connect with a reader. I don’t think she’ll read all those words, do you? It probably won’t make sense or change her life. Nah, no chance. Your words will end up where they all do—invisible behind the “real” writers’ words in the infinite cyberspace.” The voice I hear sounds like mine.
Insecurity breeds in the context of relationship through negative thoughts. Initially I felt insecure sharing parts of my story for good reason. Of course, I would! I was practicing sharing on the page and in person, and I was always preparing for the worst. Insecurity threatened to shut down the writing process, and I’m here to shout from the rooftop: It’s time to say goodbye to insecurity!
Every Goodbye Needs a Hello
I’ve learned something important in my thought life that drives the writing life. Once we say goodbye to a broken, negative way of thinking or relating, we’ve got to say hello to something. In his new book, Soundtracks, Jon Acuff says it succinctly: “Retire broken soundtracks and replace the broken ones with new ones!” We need to change our minds in a healthy way through some action.
The idea of rejecting insecurity is really helpful, but what can we replace it with? If insecurity is based in relationship, it can also be healed in relationship. Not necessarily the same relationship.
Hello, Friend!
We all need a friend. Especially independent, li’l old me! I like to think “I’ve got this—and this to-do list of 100 other things.” I can be pretty determined to handle all my stuff, but that isn’t the best way to live. When it comes to my story, insecurity tells me no one will be interested in reading it, let alone entering into the “stuff.” I start to think “My story is too much, too messy, or too hot to handle. I’m too much.” Can I find someone with the courage and heart to sit with me, lean in, and don a pair of industrial oven mitts? That’s a real friend! Keep in mind, thoughts like these shut down the writing process. If your story is challenging and shares your hard places, you probably need a unique safe person, too.
One tough thing about friendship in this cultural season is social distancing guidelines or limits; another might be carving out the time to cultivate a healthy relationship with someone or a few safe people. Several elements make it emotionally difficult: the vulnerability of relationship, the honesty of “real life” and our stories, learning to clearly communicate needs, the effort in choosing self-care, the tender humility in receiving genuine care from a friend, and choosing not to engage in comparison. All of this plays into sharing our story with another person.
The commitment will be worth it!
Relationships Take Time
I’ve chosen to initiate friendship a few times with different outcomes. Fear of rejection is the number one reason I have difficulty (it’s not that easy to find a friend with a pair of industrial oven mitts). The time commitment—a very real thing—can be intimidating. Putting myself out there to ask for something I need, genuine friendship, a listening ear, or encouragement and feedback can feel vulnerable.
There’s a heavy expectation placed on the word “friend”—all you have to do to make it even more uncomfortable is inject the idea of a BFF. More pressure has to be better, right? It might be helpful to expect both parties will do their imperfect best to love well by being present, actively listening without judgment, and speaking truth lovingly.
That’s still a lot to put on you and a new friend. Be appropriately vulnerable. Be gentle. Focus on your “imperfect best” in the beginning. Friendship is like waiting for an image to appear on the photo paper in a chemical bath in the darkroom—it develops over time.
Relationship requires someone to lean in first, but then it requires both to choose to show up and gently lean in over time.
Choose Wisely
When I need a friend, and I need to lean in to the find-a-friend process, who should I choose? Is it a personality type, a skill set, or a common storyline? The answer is it could be any or all of those. The truth is, friends come in all shapes, sizes, and varieties. What is most important is the way the friendship works, and maybe the beauty in complementing each other.
There’s no time or room for a lack of authenticity, disingenuous conversation, or frenemies. We are looking for three things in relationship: truthfulness, helpfulness, and kindness!
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 27:6
I need people in my life who can offer two ears, a kind heart, and a sound mind. I need love and care in the form of truth offered in a helpful and kind manner. That means I need to communicate my need, participate in the relationship, and be open to the ebb and flow of the conversation.
Sharing and Caring
When I’m writing any story, the first telling is usually private on the page. There’s a measure of healing in that experience with the hard things, and there’s precious celebration with the good. 1
Then there’s two possibilities involving relationship with a safe friend: allow her to read it or, for deeper healing in connection with insecurity, take the time to share personally and verbally. One day we’ll discuss the difference between those things. For now, let’s just say we must tell our stories, and we often do it in two ways: written and spoken. Both are powerful opportunities. Both are necessary.
Sharing your story with a safe person or in a small, safe circle creates a wonderful moment—you honor you and your story. 2 Hopefully, the telling experience is truthful, helpful, and kind. In the context of safe relationship, over time, you can really say goodbye to the runaway insecure thought loop and even receive some of the care you should have had in the moment. Care, gentle support, and a kind word go a long way. Imagine the encouragement you could receive (and give!). Imagine how safe community might change the storytelling and sharing processes.
Helpful Actions and Choices
Remember a few things if you swap insecurity for safety in community:
Name the source relationships for the insecurity.
Name the negative thoughts and write them down.
Exchange negative thoughts for positive—Swap insecurity for safe community. Trade “My story doesn’t matter!” for “I am writing my story for me, and it may be helpful to others.” Trade “There are no safe people!" for “Safe people exist as friends or counselors.”
Choose safe friends for your life wisely. Share your story with safe people!
Choose truthful, helpful, and kind thoughts and people.
Be gentle to yourself and new friends as you move through this process.
We got started. The real threat to the 2-ton insecurity elephant is safe community. It’s a process, and we can do it! Be brave, writer friend!
~Jennifer
1 Writing to Heal. Bridget Murray. Monitor. June 2002, Vol 33, No. 6.
2 The Place We Find Ourselves. Adam Young. 2018. Podcast episodes 1, 2.
Additional resources:
Soundtracks by Jon Acuff
The Place We Find Ourselves podcast. (Start with the first episode and keep going.)
The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology (The Allender Center: Story Workshop)
