Leaning In: Restarting Relationships (Part 2)
If you’re just jumping in, take a peek at Part 1 of this series HERE. And I thought I’d let you know I shared at one of my favorite places, Becky Bereford’s site HERE. (Consider it Part 1.5 in the series.) Also, in truth I wanted to title this one “Stop Hatin’!” or “Stop Being So Mean!” I decided against those titles because they weren’t kind, and I’d be guilty of being unkind.
Restarting the Econo—Relationships!
People are concerned about restarting our nation and individual states, including the economic and social engines. I don’t think they are wrong. I’m not an economist, but I can’t see this ending well without a sustainable, common-sense approach to the problem because trillions and trillions of dollars doesn’t seem sustainable.
Meanwhile, media bombshells dropped in the culture involving the deaths of several people of color under very specific circumstances. I don’t have words for the complex cultural dialogue, and I don’t feel worthy of stepping into that whirling dervish of words. All I know is, the culture clash is extremely sad to me, and I’m without good words. Mostly, I don’t trust I wouldn’t dishonor my God, my precious friends, or my heart. I have a goal to enter into “listening mode” for some time before I comment on this slice of life, and that seems wise to me. How extremely hard and volatile the whole thing has become!
How in the heck do we take the right steps through all the cultural landmines? [Insert scenes from the “fire swamp” in The Princess Bride here.] Hot. Spots. Everywhere.
I think we all want to know what love looks like right now. Every conversation has the potential to end in nuclear meltdown, and we don’t want that, do we? So what can a lover of Jesus do?
I Hate When That Happens…
It’s not lost on me; the tone of quarantine, cancel culture, and the social tension feels like one word: hate. Hate fuels a deadly undertow and characterizes the way people may generally feel, for example, about America and her history, God and His people, or people groups and the things they say, think, and do.
Ugliness has been seething for some time, and it’s coming to the surface. I’m not going to mark the start of the “movements” we’re seeing today; that’s not the point of these words. The bedrock biblical answer is that it all started in Genesis 3 (that wily serpent!), and the first deep-seated hatred (read: murder) appeared in Genesis 4. Pure hatred.
A perfect world and perfect relationships between God and mankind in Genesis 1 and 2 were shattered by open rebellion, and then relational tension in the form of jealousy escalated to murder. Sound familiar?
Have We Always Hated?
I’ve read about “very great hatred,” “complete hatred,” “concealed hatred,” etc., in the Old Testament, and I’ve read about “hatred without cause” as well. King David wrote about enemies hating him without reason, and that’s interesting; but honestly, I wanted to examine the relationships between people and with Jesus.
Rebels Without Cause
Cultural landmines aren’t unexpected:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. 2 Timothy 3:1-5a ESV
So. Much. Hatred. And I’m so sad! The list up there comprises the reasons and ways we hate one another: its a list of “causes” per se. People sling word weapons at one another out of their preoccupied, marred hearts. At the root of much it, it’s a four-letter word: self. (Is that a ‘cause’ we get behind?)
Then Jesus said,
“Whoever hates me hates my Father also. If I had not done among them the works that no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin, but now they have seen and hated both me and my Father. But the word that is written in their Law must be fulfilled: ‘They hated me without a cause.’” John 15:23-25 ESV
He knew seething hatred lay under a thin, worthless, cultural veneer. He knew He would be hated then and now.
I’m fascinated by the words ‘without a cause.’ Somehow it would be easier on my heart if the hatred were easy to diagnose. When the diagnosis is “hatred without reason,” how do we pinpoint that? (I think it’s tied to the list above.)
Rebels With a Cause
Our culture upholds “noble hatred” for a good cause. Christians can double-dip into that and “righteous anger/indignation.” I know because I’ve caught myself doing it. There is biblical basis for righteous anger but not noble hatred. Do you see a problem with restarting relationships under these conditions? I’m not sure we can love one another and hate, be “in this together” and attack each other, stand united and fall under “friendly fire.”
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” —Martin Luther King, Jr.
The quarantine gifted some of us extra time to put into social media, and I’ve noticed something—everyone has an opinion, and now they have a cause. The opinions aren’t new, and they don’t concern me much. Have them and hold them; shape them according to the heart of the Lover of your soul, and they are powerful! We do well to consider the shape-shifting nature of opinions as new information, perspectives, or maturity enters the picture. We do better if we refuse to wield them as weapons. At the very least, friends, we are unlikely to do three things through weaponized social media: convince, convert, or change people.
That cause, though—
You Get a Cause, and You Get a Cause, and You Get…
My question is, what is that cause? Then I ask myself—To which “cause” have I connected? Is there an agenda (mine or someone else’s) tied to the cause? Does it matter if there is an agenda and whose it is?
Super-charged emotions are usually easy to recognize, but passion paired with the wrong mind set or heart is a dangerous thing. I’ve never managed to start, restart, or tend relationships well when passion is high and my reason and compassion have gone out the window. Funny thing is, I don’t always know when reason and compassion are missing because passion is the first thing. Sometimes a golden cause with high and noble ideas and solutions has replaced the importance of some people and some relationships. How do I know? Just be a fly on the wall during a typical conversation between a “masker” and a “non-masker,” a BLM supporter and one who can’t get behind the movement, a “stay home” advocate and small-business owner, a “vaxxer” and “anti-vaxxer”—oh, and a hundred other polarized people.
Dallas Willard was once asked, “Why are Christians so mean?” His answer was up to the task. He said that Christians are mean in proportion to when they value being “right” over being “like Christ.” (Gary Thomas, garythomas.com.)
That hits home to me. An Enneagram 5 loves everything about right-ness. Add a dash of Enneagram 8, and there’s fuel on the fire quick. It’s the 2 I need to take center stage, and that usually requires me to choose that. In order for something higher than the Enneagram to rule, I have to side-step it to something straight-up scriptural.
The B-I-B-L-E…
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14
The book of Romans also sets up a high standard for believers, telling us to “be devoted to one another in brotherly love” (12:10), “never be wise in your own sight” (12:16) and keep in mind that “love does no harm to its neighbor” (13:10). No harm. To anyone. So, in our relations with anyone we are to be devoted to their overall welfare, to not be overly confident in our opinion, and to never do anyone any harm. There’s no room here for any “Bible believing” Christian to be mean. (Gary Thomas, garythomas.com.)
Friend, it’s an air-tight, biblical case for kindness. If we intend to start, restart, or tend relationships in this cultural slice of life, kindness is key. The Christian must love the ones who are easy to love and the ones who aren’t, even the “enemy” (especially the enemy!). That means the people inside the church walls and out, the ones who look/think/act like us and don’t. And it might include rocky topics: preferences, politics, and pet peeves.
What Do I Do? And What Do I Do Now?
I know this: any one of us can do a phenomenal job of showing the world what a “brand” of Christianity is against without genuinely taking up the mission we’ve been given with a heart like His. How did thoughts on so many topics become an opportunity to lean into passive-aggressive behaviors and insults. It’s divisive in family matters, conversations with friends, and (worst!) in the Christian community.
It’s what I do on a bad day, and it makes me sad. I don’t get a pass here, even if arrows seem to be coming from someone who “hurt me first,” or “everybody’s doing it,” or she just “doesn’t deserve kindness after the shame she’s dished my direction.”
Sorry. That’s just Nope. Nope. Nope! But ugh!
Sometimes my pride goes flagrantly forward in my ignorance before a fall; but by the grace of God, I’m aware of my guilt. A loving friend will ask a question, and I’ll have the chance to check my personal “stuff” against the expressed will of God in the Bible. It’s hard. I can be a little like my Labrador who forgets to give up the toy in order to continue in the fun fetch game going on. I can forget to hold secondary things loosely (or with forebearance) in order to start, restart, or tend a relationship.
Honestly, I’m deep into my conversation with God about it. I’m asking Him to reveal the cutting humor and the “rightness” I cannot surrender in order to be in “His likeness.” I would argue that’s a kind of hate. It might be a choice between thinking “more highly of myself than I ought,” the fuel for hatred, and something else.
Paul was both wise and encouraging.
For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. Romans 12:3
Am I the only one needing a conversation with God? Is this as hard for you as it is for me? Relationships just cannot be healthy when threads of hate run through them.
