Leaning In: Restarting Relationships (Part 3)
If you’re just jumping in, take a peek at Part 1 of this series HERE. And I thought I’d let you know I shared at one of my favorite places, Becky Bereford’s site HERE. (Consider it Part 1.5 in the series.) Part 2 in the series is HERE.
Walking Wounded?
When I look around I’m concerned: I see a crazy number of walking wounded relationships strewn over the landscape. Worse, some are dead and buried with the hatchets used to kill them. A hot topic is discussed, buttons are pushed, and the communication process goes into meltdown.
Civil discourse has died. [Insert a moment of silence here.]
We are primed to be polarized in every way. [A moment of silence…]
Only these thoughts, words, and actions qualify… [A moment…]
Offense has a life of its own. [Another moment…]
Disagreement has put people at odds and even signed death certificates for millions of relationships. No particular topic leads to meltdown; it all fits under the heading of “offense.” It’s not surprising we have a list of labels waiting for everyone we meet.
Tensions are high, and that isn’t conducive to calm or communication. We’re too invested in many things, and any other point of view or worldview is a threat.
We just can’t have conversations when we poke the bear, take our ball and go home, or stoke the reaction to the point of meltdown. (Excuse the shift in metaphors.)
It’s Personal! Isn’t It?
Once upon a time I got into a heated conversation. The other half of the dialog was painful and wounded me deeply. So I took my ball and went home. “Social distancing” at its finest. I wrote off the communication process and the person. You know how I know I was “too invested” in something? I prioritized something over the relationship in front of me.
In another (paranoid) moment I posted something on social, and then I read between the lines of a friend’s status. The inside voice dominated: That’s a response to your post. She’s upset with you. It’s all about you, Jen. I toyed with a passive-aggressive followup post. But that would mean I believed it was all about me (probably not reality). Even if that were true, it would become all about that thing I said, the thing that was more important than the relationship on the screen in front of me (that is normally face-to-face), a person I genuinely love!
Disgust is a reaction easily sparked and stays hot longer than it should. I remember a fractured relationship staying that way so long a child was born and in school before reconciliation happened. Ugh! I’m not proud of that. She was a dear friend, but when I found myself on the receiving end of criticism, I let the meltdown happen and burn underground for years. So many missed opportunities for softer eye contact, a smile, or gentle and real heart connection like we once had. Deliberate avoidance. Why would I do that?
You don’t recuperate lost years, in case you were wondering, but you can reconcile and begin again.
What do you do when it feels so personal?
Nuclear Meltdown
A nuclear meltdown is an accident resulting from severe heating and a lack of sufficient cooling at the reactor core, and it occurs in different stages. pbs.org
“Severe heating,” huh? That sounds like the world I’m living in. Just like a nuclear meltdown, our culture is experiencing an “unexpected power surge and steam buildup…[that has] led to a series of explosions” (history.com). The cultural core is overloaded. Pick anything splashed all over the media right now, and people have a perspective, whether they want to admit it or discuss it or not. Truth is, we are all aware of the intensity—what we do with that is a whole other thing.
Let’s do a safety check that gives us the opportunity to connect or reconnect before the core meltdown devastates the entire landscape. We can choose to do something different in order to get different results. Maybe we can be part of cooling the core without compromising the right core beliefs and values. If not, we know we did the right thing.
I Hate When That Happens…
When the cultural core power-surges and heats up, do I genuinely “hate” when that happens? I’m not sure I do. If I’m gut-level honest, I might swing between averting my gaze and joining the “gapers” watching the whole thing. On a really bad day, I hate all the wrong things: laws and restrictions, politicians’ intervention or abdication (depending on the activity or lack of it), and people’s thoughts, words, and behaviors that differ from mine. It’s a slippery slope.
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Romans 12:9
Here’s the important thing: we don’t get to define “evil” or “good.” Left to our own devices wouldn’t we label things according to our experiences, preferences, or peeves? Of course! We view the world through our own worldview glasses (rosy or dark). There’s only One who can truthfully and rightly determine what is evil or good. Since He alone is good, that which opposes His heart, mind, or strength must be evil. Those things which honor and keep in step with Him are genuinely loving and reveal His heart, mind, and strength to the world.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Galatians 5:25 ESV
To live by the Spirit has everything to do with the fruit in Galatians 5:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. vv. 22-24 ESV
Verse 24 catches me up short. We have added challenges reading the cultural core “right,” and there is grace for that. Power surges crop up in the media every day that look like anarchy and hatred. Quarantine and social distancing induce feelings of isolation, separation, and fear. The most expressive part of the face hides behind a cloth mask or an invisible one. This reality appears dead-set against growing His fruit, but that cannot be. He knew we would face all of these things and more. That’s why we have been given the Spirit—our Comforter, Counselor, Teacher, the One from whom fruit is grown and living water flows.
More importantly, I see a partnership and a requirement: our personal “passions and desires” need to be the real walking wounded, no (v. 24)? That’s usually what gets me into trouble.
If we’re going to kill something, we need to be sure it’s the right thing.
Cooling the Core—Step One
There is only one way to be sure I’d go through the effort to kill my own passions and desires. My “why” has to be more valuable than anything I might receive through the selfish, pride-filled opportunity that lies in front of me. It’s too easy to see value in the cause, experience, preference, or thing I could possess. Truthfully, any of those things might not be about deep, life-giving, or genuine relationship, and that’s the thing that matters.
Deep, life-giving relationship starts here:
For if a law had been given that could give life, then righteousness would indeed be by the law. Galatians 3:21c ESV
If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. Romans 8:11 ESV
For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. Romans 8:13 ESV
Not by the Law, but by loving Jesus. By the power of the Spirit in us, life to the body for-ev-er-r-r-r. Settle into that for a few minutes. That’s a moment of silence we can love!
Start or restart relationship to the One who knows good and evil, Who is entirely good, and Who is focused on your good!
[H]e will bless those who fear the LORD,
both the small and the great. Psalm 115:13 ESV
He blesses those who seek, honor, and obey Him, regardless of cultural position or seemingly “good” motivation. I ask who I am aligning myself with. In a world where others’ acceptance might matter too much, I simply must play to an audience of ONE! My relationship to Him calibrates my relationships with others. Period.
Step One: Love God. Loving Him means my desires and passions match His.
Cooling the Core—Step Two
Killing the preferences and peeves for the Lord is good and right. He says it must be done. Surrendering passion and desire for a person feels different. The truth is, my list of “non-negotiables” is the very thing that stokes a reaction, adds nuclear fuel to a bad situation, and kills relationship—first to God, honestly, and then to the person in front of me.
This is the truth neither of us can afford to ignore:
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. Luke 6:27-30 ESV
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Romans 12:14 ESV
It can be insanely hard or easy, depending on the person. Am I right? Except this: these sentences don’t end in question marks; they aren’t “suggestions” for life; they are commands.
Love. Bless. Offer. Do not withhold. Give. Do not demand. Bless. Do not curse.
As far as I can tell, love and cooling the core requires something of us. The requirements are all verbs! Our Daddy-God has told us what the overflow of our relationship to Him through Jesus and by the power of the Spirit looks like. What we choose to do or not do isn’t by law; it’s by love.
We love Him, so we love others, and that has nothing to do with how they treat relationship to us.
Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. John 14:23 ESV
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:11-12
The Father has loved us. When we love Him, we love others. By His Spirit, we love others well! We can’t keep our preferences and peeves and love God unless they reflect His heart, mind, and strength. But, if we love God and love like Him, we have relationship with Him and with people!
Step Two: Love others. Love like Him, and I love well.
Starting and Restarting
There’s one caveat to all of words above: relationship to others is guided, shaped, or transformed by the primary relationship to God. Is there a “start” or “restart” waiting for you? If we hope to be part of cooling the cultural core, “fear of the Lord” and loving Jesus’ finished work at the cross is the beginning. Bottom line.
If you use “once upon a time” to describe your relationship with God, think about that. If your time with Him each day is a “to-do” on your list, that might not reflect deep connection or genuine relationship with Him. If you aren’t sure about His mind and heart on things, learn. If you question His strength in your life or this cultural meltdown situation, get to know the omnipotent, loving God of the Bible.
If your Christian life allows for preferences and peeves to be weaponized against others, that’s a problem. If you’ve got relationships in some stage of meltdown or death, you simply must go back to each one and deal. You aren’t responsible for others’ actions; you stand before God for yours.
What About THAT Relationship?
Another caveat: abuse is not your fault. Dangerous relationships may require distance for good reason. Additionally the death of a person, not just the relationship, can prevent reconciliation. There may be no start or restart, and I get that. You have to hear the truth-filled whisper of Daddy-God’s voice to know how to handle each situation. If you’re looking for a good resource to start down the road in this way, please consider the resources section of this site.
